Think Less, Live More
From egocentric rumination to allocentric living
"Liz, stop thinking about it. Go do something," That was my dad's parental guidance when I was 13 crying over friend drama. When my tears were spent, I got up, found my sisters playing Barbies (this was the 80s. No cell phones) and joined in. I felt better.
He didn't know he was telling me to stop ruminating, a psychological term meaning to have negative thoughts and feelings on repeat without taking action. Back then, "rumination" was not in the popular lexicon. No parents used it. They said "don't think about it too much" or "you're thinking yourself miserable."
My dad didn't spend time exploring ways I could interrupt and redirect my ruminating mind. He didn't discuss actions I could take that are aligned with my needs, values or desires. He said, "go do something." He knew I would figure it out (helpful that there were no digital wormholes I could fall into). If I didn't, he would give me a chore to do.
Today there are TikTok Reels explaining the top 5 ways to end rumination.
On one hand, it's good there's more awareness of how we "think ourselves miserable" and ways to overcome that. Self-reflection is mainstream. Therapy is less stigmatized and more people seek it. But, like many things, we've overdone it; supersized our psychological prowess to the point of being unhealthy. Largely that's because the way we've communicated the message (social media mind-porn) is part of the problem.
Speaking of fancy psychological ideas, here's one more I learned from Bonnitta Roy to add to your pop-psych lexicon: egocentric vs allocentric life orientations. I think it's worth knowing.
An egocentric orientation is when someone relates what they experience back to themselves. They make meaning of reality through the out and back to self relationship. Life is filtered through their own personal preferences, biases and needs. The egocentric orientation is the first one we develop as humans. Me to my mom, me to the door, the toy to me. It's a natural and necessary perceptual way to navigate physical and relational spaces to survive.
Most people mature to develop an allocentric orientation as well. They begin to recognize, value and understand others' perspectives.
The allocentric orientation orients outward to notice the relationship between things. Like the tree and the fence, the teacher and the student, the weather and crop yields. With an allocentric orientation, you pay attention and try to understand others' perspectives and life experiences on their own terms, not just as they relate to you. My mom would call someone like this 'solid' or the 'marrying kind.' Of the mostly egoic, she would have eloquently said "don't hang out with that selfish jerk and don't act like one".
Our psychologized, individualized, and media-influenced culture skews us towards egocentrism. It's all about me. Easy to see how we get stuck in unhelpful mental patterns like rumination.
It's tempting to think, 'Oh, but I ruminate about the relationships between things! Like my grown son's rocky relationship with his wife.' But that worry actually loops back to the self too. Suffering comes from your attachment to the scenario and the emotions it brings up for you. There's nothing wrong with worrying about your child. It's natural. But, when you can hold your son and wife's relationship from an allocentric orientation, it's easier to be curious and empathetic. The focus shifts from your emotional entanglement to a wider, steadier view that makes it easier to unhook from needless suffering and stay grounded in what’s real.
So, what’s my point here? There are a few threads worth holding together. First, simple wisdom, like my dad’s “go do something”, often cuts through more powerfully than overanalyzing. He trusted I had the capacity to reorient myself and nudged me in that direction. Second, our culture of endless self-focus and media noise keeps us stuck in self-absorbed loops of rumination, comparison, and judgement. That's a problem we need to unplug our way out of. And third, there’s another way of seeing: shifting from an egocentric stance to an allocentric one widens the frame. It's a spiritual posture. It lets us orient to life not just through our own filters, but through the living relationships between things.
That shift can be profoundly practical. It can make us less miserable, more grounded, and more openhearted. It can also be profoundly transformative, because when we step out of our loops, we step back into life itself.
Ready to step out of the loop?
Join The Change Lab, where we trade overthinking for experimenting.
I’m opening the first circle of The Change Lab in mid-September. It’s a small coaching group (max 10 spots) where we explore change through gentle experiments. No pressure for perfection. Expect laughter, camaraderie, to stretch your edges and grow.
Here's the link to check it out.